Today I have dealt with the sharp pain of suddenly feeling insignificant in the life of someone who I had not thought such things of before... Oh, I suppose that's not all together true, I have felt the emerging little green monster creeping up from time to time. At these times such feelings alter my foothold in surrounding matters, but mostly it's all about feelings.

I searched for what I was after and failed to find it... Then I felt a twinge of anger which was really only the sublet of the hurt that so sharply cut right to my very core.

I truly thought I had overcome my dependency on what other people think of me or how they value me years ago. However, I once more found myself having to reason away my feelings, reminding myself every step of the way that my value and worth should not originate from human kind but rather from God alone. As much as this makes perfectly good sense, it is not always so easy to dismiss such hurts with such logic.

I had guarded my life for years by not being a feeler, not allowing anyone that close. Then I went through the bible study surrounding co-dependency and truly began to allow myself to feel even if it was painful. I have found it most certainly can be! Today was one of those days. I wanted to and even felt the brimming tears beginning to well up in my tear ducts as I fought to restrain them. I simply did not want to give way to the emotional flood that was overcoming me in the instance.

I swallowed hard and quickly forced my hurt feelings to surge on the Richter scale to anger so not to give way to what I was feeling. My son wanted to know what was wrong - I couldn't tell him. No, that isn't true either, I could have told him. But that would not have been right either. I was hurt but adding two hurts together doesn't make it any better... In fact, it generally only serves to add insult to injury and creates a dynasty of gossip and broken relations. None of this was necessary. Therefore I carried the feelings alone to protect everyone - ultimately myself; as much as I was hurt I didn't want to sacrifice the relationships at hand, even if they apparently are not what I had thought they were.

I am reluctant to even write about this other than to point out the reality that we all need to feel validated, loved, cared about, and you get the picture. We all have an inherent need to be included even if we choose to disclude ourselves and we all want our feelings and emotions to matter to someone - specifically to those whose feelings and emotions matter to us.

On the same hand, life isn't always fair and it doesn't always work out that way. We don't mean for it to happen, but sometimes it just does. I'm quite sure if the person I am referring to had any idea of what had occurred to cause me such hurt they would be inclined to attempt to make it okay, or fix it in any way they could. But the reality is that it really shouldn't matter one way or the other.

Nonetheless, the matter was such a burden to me at the moment that I went to my profile here on the blog and looked it over and wondered who I had inadvertently over looked. I had in fact failed to list many of our close family members. I promptly hit the edit button and began to type.

Maybe there is more information about the family tree than what many if not most would like to know. But it was necessary for me to do this. In fact, as I typed I began to realize how far I could take this in extended family and friends but opted to keep it limited to my husband and our own siblings and their immediate families as well as our mothers... And of course the kids.

Admittedly, I included names and connections of these people because they are important to us and our lives. Even though we may not always see one another as often as perhaps tradition would have it, or agree on everything from politics to religion; they are still significant others in our lives and hearts. More frankly stated, I don't want any of them to feel I don't value them or that they don't matter.

I'm not a big picture person and have added the pictures to my gallery that have been easily accessed in my readily available files... I will try to add to these in the coming months and share our beautiful families with all that choose to stop in to check it out.

In the meantime, I wanted to write about this here today for everyone else’s benefit as much as my own. First, it gave me a means of sharing a very vulnerable side of my personality... Secondly, I hope that it prompts those of you who have put yourself and your thoughts out there for public scrutiny to be absolutely certain that you include all your significant relationships and make every one in your circles know they are valued to you.

As for anyone out there who may have or may in the future experience any of these such feelings of insignificance remember this:
Our true value and worth truly does need to come from God above. If he is for us, who dare be against us!

In spite of the fact it is a Monday, along with the emotional folly, combined with the fact that my pond angel was knocked over and broken today; it's still a beautiful day the Lord has made! I for one will rejoice and be glad in it! Besides, we got to go to lunch with Amy and Lilly today for Chinese food. It was yummy food and conversation!

Remember - Life is a process -
God is in the process -
Therefore, we can trust the process!!!!