I'm not crazy... Really, I'm not!

I don't see things that are not there and I don't hear voices in the sense of the word of what the world we live in interprets them as. And I know I should not have mentioned knowing in my last blog that I know my husband’s father spoke to my spirit after his death.

However, with all the things I wrote about, the one request of course, had to do with that comment referencing my father-in-laws untimely passing.

First of all, let’s get a few things straight right now. I'm not what one would call superstitious for the most part... I don't go out of my way to break a mirror but I hardly believe it brings one 7 years of bad luck when it happens... Then again, it may explain some things after incidentally breaking a purse mirror I had some time ago. lol Just joking!

I have many mixed emotions about what is not clearly stated in the word of God, but have accepted the fact, these are things I simply believe God sees as giving only on “a need to know basis.” Apparently, he must not think we need to know. At least he must think we don't need to know at this point in time. What point I'm trying to make here, is that I'm okay with not knowing all the secrets of the Universe at this moment in my life and I’m pretty sure I will remain okay with it in this life.

Yet, at the same time I have had some of those twilight zone moments in my life that defy explanation and just simply are. What they are God only knows, but they are not my imagination. I say that firmly as a few of them have come at rather inopportune times of which I was not giving thought to anything particular, and miles away in my own world away from the episode or experience.

I have not had enough personal experiences, or documented them in such a way that I would ever be able to really get into a major written project on the subject matter. Additionally, I have given it little thought or consideration beyond the initial on-set of the experience. It just is, nothing more, nothing less...

So, with that much out of the way, I suppose I can put the questions lingering in some minds out there in cyber space to rest, as to if I am really losing it or not.

After sharing this incident without any real substance to the matter, you know, not really wanting to put myself out there for all that would follow; but still, with eluding to what I was feeling, I was asked pretty point blank "Why you? Why would he talk to you?"

My initial reaction of course was "Thanks a lot!" But in an effort to be compassionate to everyone's grief, I wanted to at least attempt to understand the question. Truthfully, I was wondering the same thing. I loved him a great deal as a father and knew him as my dad-in-law for longer than my actual father was present in my life. So, it isn't as though I was wondering because I didn't have a relationship with him. But when there are so many other immediate family members or even others who had been involved longer than myself... I had to ask the same thing. Why me?

I understood the answer. It made sense to me, if no one else. But again, most don't buy any of this and think I'm just making it all up. Therefore, what difference did it really make anyway?

Ron didn't want to believe it because he was walking around in denial for months. To hear the truth of what his father was attempting to tell him would mean he had to accept that he had in fact moved on. He wasn't ready to do that or let his father go.

A song, I mean an old song, one that I had not heard for a very long time started coming to mind shortly after he died. It was an old ‘Kansas’ song that was a big hit back in probably the late 70's, titled “Carry on Wayward Son”. It was only the chorus at first and that began to jog my memory. I kept thinking of the words to the chorus, trying to remember. Then they came in bits until I had the chorus in my mind. "Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more.... “

It was burdening me so much that I looked it up on line, not even sure of the title but easily found on the search engine. I read the lyrics, printed them and then bought the CD for Ron sometime later. I don't know if he ever really understood that his father was speaking to him about his own life - but I got it!

However, that wasn't where it all started... I remember on the way to the hospital I was riding in the back seat. Ron was driving and my mother-in-law was riding in the front passenger seat. We didn't know anything more than Dad had collapsed, apparently from a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. For all intensive purposes that doesn't necessarily mean he was gone. But when I laid my head against the window it was as if I heard him telling me it was too late. I instinctively knew what he meant as I told him silently to go back - go back it can't be too late. I was demanding that he go back right now! I told him “We're taking another trip to Lake Powell; remember we just talked about it last night at dinner! Go back to your body now Chuck!”

He just kept assuring me he couldn't - that he left for too long. I understood in some inexplicable way that he was over come with the light, peace and love and didn't go back when he could have.

I knew then and I cried silently attempting to mask my emotions wanting to think I was wrong. He comforted me in a strange way, as if to prepare the way before me that was coming when we would arrive at the hospital.

I didn’t believe it – I concluded I had an over active imagination and that it was non-sense. Forcing it all from my mind, I trusted the here and now as I attempted to assure Mom that he was going to be fine and everything would be okay. I know now that I was attempting to convince myself as much as her. Still, I know that I knew it wasn't in my imagination what I had experienced.

We arrived at the hospital and the reality hit us all so hard. Ron wanted to go back to his father’s room, and believe me; I'm not about that sort of stuff! Really, I do great with the concept of leaving this body and life behind and feel at peace with that. However, I don't do well with dead... I never saw my own beloved grandmother who I adored after she passed away. They told me at the hospital I needed to go back to be able to deal with it, I refused and said I wanted to remember he alive, not there in that room lifeless.

However, wanting to be supportive of my husband I agreed to go with him without any external hesitation. It was a bizarre feeling as I wondered where he was... I mean where Dad’s spirit was at that point in time. They prepared us for what we would witness, but there was a deep understanding for what he had said to me when I entered the room. They had attempted for some time to bring him back with some hope. They had even incubated him. I realized he had been so at peace for the first time that he moved away from his life for a period that exceeded itself. The song explains it better.

After a tearful evening and a long and quiet ride home, over an hour away I found comfort in knowing he had peace in his passing. This realization gave me a comfort that God was in the process and Dad was in the creator’s hands.

The next several days were a blur. Still, I totally felt his presence. Though it's been some time and I can't recall the details, I do recall the song and how it would just reoccur to me over and over.

Then came the funeral arrangements; a task that I was fortunately uninvolved in. However, the decision to hold a viewing for the purpose of the family from out of town was made reluctantly by those of us who knew him best. There was a feeling that he would not have wanted it that way. In the meantime, I was selfishly considering how I would deal with it, or better yet, how I could get out of it. Yet, I couldn’t do that to Ron. I knew he needed me at that time and I had to go.

On the way, Dad talked to me, though again it's been a while and I don't recall the details, but it was in his normal, jubilant manner. He understood my not wanting to attend the viewing. Making light of much of the whole ordeal, his presence left me with a true sense that he was sorry for leaving the family when he did, but not sorry for where he was, if that makes any sense.

It was as we were preparing to enter the funeral home for the viewing that he told me he wasn't going in. Okay, by this point in time I was beginning to think I really was losing it! I had to ask why? Why wouldn’t he go in?

In my spirit I know that I know, in only the way he could convey, that he was telling me the place was full of death and he was all about life now. He wasn't going into that dreary place and that was simply the long and the short of it. Anyone who knew him would appreciate his position on the matter. However, again remember I could not tell much of anyone about what I was experiencing. They thought I was crazy as it was, with only alluding to knowing he was gone before we got to the hospital; even though I attempted to talk myself out of the idea before arriving!

He apparently did as he said in not joining the gathering at the viewing since I didn't feel his presence at all while conversing and even seeing his body cosmetically made up to supposedly resemble him. It wasn't him... He wasn't there. The tomb was present but it was empty. Like a vase without flowers. But he was not only not there, in or near the body he had ascended from days before, he did not come along in spirit either.
His presence was gone, not felt… I didn’t hear anything while I was in there.

But I already knew that. Of course I knew it. He was outside! When I went outside for air, you guessed it, the presence was back. Go ahead and tell me I'm crazy and maybe I am, but I know what I know and you asked for it....

He was only saddened by the sadness of those he loved so much. But he himself was at peace; he had risen above the noise and confusion at last.

I still wondered, many times by now, why me, as I stated above. The answer came.

I was the only one sound enough in mind to set aside the grief long enough to grasp that dying isn't the worst thing in life. In fact, if we are Heaven bound, it's the best thing we have to look forward too, but not until we have experienced all God had set before us in this lifetime to fulfill and look forward too.

He wanted to talk to Ron and comfort him. It was as if he was attempting to prepare him and guide him in some way as a father does, as he had for so many of the more recent years. They had grown closer in those last years than they had ever been and it was apparent.

He was concerned, though I don’t know all the reasons why or why not. Maybe he was most concerned that it would take too long for Ron to really understand what is truly important in this life after all. Or maybe that Ron would take on more than he ought too in the after math of his untimely death, which Ron did. I'm not sure what all his concerns were, but they were genuine.

He wanted me to tell Carolyn (my mother-in-law) that he would be with her always. I was not so successful in delivering that message, as she was too over come with her own emotions.

So, following the services and all the "stuff" that was coming down following it all, there was so much emotional chaos. But his presence was growing less and less often. Finally, about two weeks after he had passed away, he told me goodbye and that he had to go now.

The words of the song still bring a moment of silent reflection to mind; though I have very rarely shared this experience with anyone for the raised eyebrow and the doubt that I have received when I have even hinted at what I experienced. Truthfully, I am wondering what the after math of the decision to share it here will be when it is all said and done and if I will regret sharing it in such a manner.

But I know what I know. I wish that I had not heard him tell me he was gone before we got to the hospital... I wish I had been able to believe my own words when I attempted to assure those I was with. I had no desire to be the chosen voice... I wasn't on a ghost hunt, and have never made any effort to converse with the dead. I don't believe that is okay - so I would never do that! However, as I said, I know what I know. Rather anyone wants to accept it or believe it, I found it in no way frightening, abrasive, unwarranted or unmeaningful.

In my way of thinking, it just was a beautifully honest presentation of how things appeared to be from one side of this journey to the next side. Not all of us will ever have the opportunity to embrace such an opportunity. I was blessed, though I wouldn't want to make a habit of it!

I want to share the lyrics to the song with you - so I am going to copy and paste it below and hope that if someone out there needs to hear it's message, that they will stumble across this blog entry!

Carry On My Wayward Son
There'll Be Peace When You Are Done
Lay Your Weary Head To Rest
Don't You Cry No More

Once I Rose Above The Noise And Confusion
Just To Get A Glimpse Beyond This Illusion
I Was Soaring Ever Higher, But I Flew Too High
Though My Eyes Could See I Still Was A Blind Man
Though My Mind Could Think I Still Was A Mad Man
I Hear The Voices When I'm Dreaming,
I Can Hear Them Say

Carry On My Wayward Son,
There'll Be Peace When You Are Done
Lay Your Weary Head To Rest
Don't You Cry No More

Masquerading As A Man With A Reason
My Charade Is The Event Of The Season
And If I Claim To Be A Wise Man, It Surely
Means That I Don't Know
On A Stormy Sea Of Moving Emotion
Tossed About I'm Like A Ship On The Ocean
I Set A Course For Winds Of Fortune, But
I Hear The Voices Say

Carry On My Wayward Son
There'll Be Peace When You Are Done
Lay Your Weary Head To Rest
Don't You Cry No More

Carry On, You Will Always Remember
Carry On, Nothing Equals The Splendor
Now Your Life's No Longer Empty
Surely Heaven Waits For You

Carry On My Wayward Son
There'll Be Peace When You Are Done
Lay Your Weary Head To Rest
Don't You Cry No More

There are a few other limited experiences, not involving my father-in-law, but just other situations and people... Keep in mind however, I really don't want to make this blog about the unknown of the hereafter, but rather in the promise of the hereafter! So, if and when I share any of my other experiences, it will have to be saved for another day...

So, folks that's my story and I'm sticki'n to it! Have a great Friday night and a wonderful weekend if you don't rejoin me until Monday!

P.S.
HOUSE ALERT!!!! - The house is still standing on the hill. The water appears to be presenting some rather looming considerations. However, time alone will tell.

We are still in hurry up and wait mode. However, we are going to do our second visit. That is, our second visit with a realtor to open the door and allow us the time required to really walk through this large of a home and truly look for the things we may not have been looking for on our first trip through.

After all, we know in Colorado it's probably not a good idea to plan on sitting in the sun through out the year. lol Regardless of how nice it was sitting on the back deck - it's not realistic 12 months out of the year around these parts. lol

I did suggest taking the boys to the banks of the Platte River with a bar of soap.... tee hee hee... Of course, I'm just joking here! Don't panic - we don't plan on moving a family this size into a home without water... Besides the state would really frown on that one! lol

Friday March 14, 2008
Good morning world!

The sun isn't out but there has been a light mist (almost like heavy dew) ascending from the heavens to freshen the earth around us. I am grateful for any drops of moisture as the dust and dry conditions of recent have been extreme lately. The other day I was looking out the windows and it almost looked like a storm was moving in by the heavy dust formation lingering on the air from the cars driving by on our dirt road.

I know some folks absolutely loath dirt roads. This would include my hubby who isn't overly fond of them when they are not maintained, but who is? However, growing up in the mountains and in a fairly remote area at the time, our quiet little dirt road meant nothing more than a little extra mud when the rains came hard and fast or a watching out for the extra mud holes. Not a big deal otherwise. There was no dust factor up there!

However, not so here on the farm! We live on a heavily traveled dirt road and when it is dry, which is more than not, we can dust in the morning and not be able to tell in the afternoon. Our house sits in the midst of a nice big yard with beautiful old trees that tower above, but the reality is it is not far enough to offer any mercy from the dust storms kicked up by the traffic.

This of course, brings to mind once more the Big House on the Hill. Yes siree.... It sits so far off the road and on top of the hill. While sitting there enjoying the sun on the back decks those two days earlier this week, there was no dust from the road and cars that passed by. And amazingly there were not many cars regardless! I know, I have probably sold nearly everyone on the merit of this beautiful at least in location and appearance home.

Justifiably so! Do I sound like I'm excited and optimistic once more? Maybe so, maybe no. I suppose I'm a bit numb to the whole thing today. Still feeling as though it's all well and good one way or the other and God is still in the process.

However, there is a consideration that has hit me. Tomorrow is Chad's birthday right? So, if we get any positive word to move forward on this house buying project, I have to say there is an irony to the fact that it is occurring in the same realm of Chad's birthday.

It appears good things occur around this time of year. Some might not agree.... As it was not so many years ago we lost Ron's father at this time of year. It was a really hard time for all of us and the family has struggled to find the missing link ever since.

However my reality is; I believe he is in Heaven. As selfish as we may be in our grief when a loved one leaves us, the fact remains for them it doesn't get much better than that!

We were unfortunate, in that it was totally unexpected and left us all in a state of shock. However, for Dad it was quick - so quick that even with trained respondents on hand, they were unable to revive him. He was already gone.
I know why he left in such a way - though people think I'm crazy; I know that I know he spoke to my spirit after his earthly body died. But this is a whole new entry to my blog for another day. Even so, as much as this was a very sad thing for us, it was good news for him. This whole matter is a direct reflection on yesterday's concept of ‘one person's good news is another's nightmare’. Once more, that fact is driven home.

Chad was born on the same day as his Aunt Pam as well. And Dad left ironically on the same day of the year he arrived, I believe it was the 18th. Ron and I were engaged in March. My Palomino Stallion "Moonlights Destiny" was a miracle baby and born the first part of April; still the same general time of year.

There have been so many other things that occur in the spring, but none any more awesome than the inspiration we can all find in the renewal of our environment. The winter purges everything in only the way God could. And then spring brings forth the new and rejuvenated in the awe inspiring rebirth, that we all too often take for granted.

I know I have stopped here at this point before in past blogs. You’ll just have to humor me here. You see, as I sit here typing and look toward the upper pastures, I am once more reminded of the splendor. I am noticing that the light dew of the night and morning have brought forth a new hue of green, ever so subtly gaining in momentum across the land. All this as a result of a new year and the change of seasons occurring once more!

So, would it be so unexpected that a home we very well may end up living out our life in would come forth at this very special time of year? Once more, just as twenty one years ago when they laid that precious baby boy in my arms for the first time, we would experience one more miracle and a small piece of heaven on earth in the timely season of spring! Now that is optimistic!

Let’s keep our feet planted firmly here and not get too mushy. After all, that is only "IF" the other matters fall into alignment. Again I say, maybe so, maybe no... But in any case, spring is on schedule and will come forth, just as surely as the sun will rise in the East!

What does this mean? Simply stated, it means that we are all blessed - we just have to take the time to notice and count those blessings one by one… If you really try, you’ll run out of time before you run out of blessings!

I'll probably check in later today if there is anything news worthy. Here is hoping you will all take the time to notice the world around you and smell the flowers – even if it’s just at the grocery store!!

Have a great day!

Really - what is in an age - nothing more than a number...right?

It seems, my adopted daughter Sharell has clued me in that it doesn't look good that she is shown in my blog profile as 25 years of age and has twins who are 6 and a 4 year old, all of whom call me grandma... And she thinks she has problems?

So, I stand corrected in my profile... Let it be said she's two years away from being over the hill, the big 30! ha ha ha Sharell! Gottcha!

However, it drove home many other realities of the day, month and year we are currently living in. Our only actual biological son Chad, will be 21 on Saturday! How did that happen? Where did the years go?

I can't help reminising in the midst of his life to date. I think about the people who have hurt him... How much I have wanted to fight his battles, but have had to sit back and let him figure it out on his own. How he has grown in love, faith and family values as the years have passed by. And then again, how many personal battles he and I endured through the homeschooling years and those preteen episodes that he was sure I didn't know anything about everything!

I wouldn't trade a moment of those days, though I might not over react as I may have on occassion back then. I think I am finally beginning to understand why being a grandparent is a bit more mellow in nature than those formulative parenting years. You can look back and ask why you got so shook up over some things knowing now how they turned out in the bigger picture.

It's all good! I love my kiddo's all of them. Tonight I was visited by two of my boys from a few years back.... My my, what fine young men they are developing into. I invited them and truly hope they can join us - their on-going extended family - for Easter Sunday.

I am once more forced to think back... I have been angered to tears, dried their tears, hurt and loved so many of the youth who have spent time in our home and become in some way a part of our family forever. It's true I lose track of years but I never lose track of the love and I always welcome that call, visit or hug that comes at the hand of one of those youth who has passed through our hearts.

Sharell is a permanent fixture along with her husband and 3 beautiful sons - our grandchildren by default... lol I tease her that she's a mess and a royal pain in the tooshie in the most loving way... But she knows that she has been, is and will always be loved as if she were with us since birth.

A few of the others have come and gone over the years. But some seem to remain; even if they're gone for a period of time, they always seem to find their way back home.

Reminds me of the Biblical story of the prodigal son.... I truly understand the fathers reaction with the journey of youth that we have been on over the years.

The most I can hope for when it is all said and done is to hear my Lord say to me at the judgement day "Well done my good and faithful servant!" If it's about love, I suppose it gets better by the minute, knowing that God had called us into such a ministry as this!

And as for Sharell's age? She'll probably always be that beautiful 17 year old, in her yellow prom dress - looking like Bell from Beauty and the Beast some 10 plus years ago! Her age is truly a mute point as it affects nothing of the way I see or feel for her!

Good news... What a dynamic choice of words! Considering what one may perceive as the news of a lifetime might in fact be someone else’s nightmares come to pass.

So it was this morning as I awoke to the morning light. Visualize Sherry... Just visualize! But today, for the first time a little cloud or maybe it was ray of light revealing the truth beyond the dream...

The thought continued to run through my mind... "Buyer Beware”; as well as the famed quote that I have so, so, so many times repeated to my kids, family and friends over the years. "Beware of what you want, you just may get it!"

Ah ha, a revelation in itself if you ask me! I am actually heeding or at least repeating in my mind, my own words of advice... Not a common denominator in most of my follies... And as much as I may hate to admit to it, there have been more than my share.

Can I at least blame some of them in part of my co-conspirators? The biggest partner in crime is no doubt my Mother... But there have been a few others to add to the list.. Such as my lovely sister-in-law Amy, My beautiful adopted daughter Sharell to name only a couple of those along life’s highway!

One of those follies that most recently sticks in my mind is Mom's and my big plans to go into the nursery business... Not universally speaking, just trees. And not all trees, but just one type. It was supposed to be so easy you guessed it "A cave man could do it!" Will, I have to tell you; those cave men are surely smarter than us. I have my thoughts on why they all died and she has her ideas, but the fact remains they did in fact all die long before anything good came of it or even looked like it might.


What in God's green earth does that have to do with the Big, Old, Victorian house on the hill? Not much of anything, other than the questions that were raised when my beloved husband pointed out that one of the old toilets in the house was cracked.

Now keep in mind, we currently live in an old farm house and we know cracked toilets don't necessarily denote frozen water lines... But we have also been around the block a time or two and know there is no rhyme or reason in signing all these waivers releasing the bank in an "AS IS" real estate deal without at the very least knowing when the winterization took place!

Thank you Jesus, we didn't just fall off the turnip truck after all.... But of course, my beloved would surely take all the credit for this realization. After all, I went to check the outside line water pressure and only surmised that all the water (inside and out) was shut off for the winter. In my own defense…this in itself is not an unreasonable consideration.

The house on the hill can be someone else’s home if they don't give us a winterization date that coincides with dates prior the first freeze of the fall! That would be the money pit/funny farm that would drive us all to drink or the grave for sure...


So, here I am this morning, attempting to visualize and realizing the reality of the vision could be something much different than what I have conjured into my thoughts the past few days.

I'm still excited to find out the facts...But more excited to find them out before signing on the dotted line than one might have originally thought.

In addition, in light of all of this, a beloved family member was quick to remind me of my over optimism some twenty plus years ago when we were looking at a "SO CALLED" ranch in Chugwater Wyoming. What everyone else seen as poop, including their darling eight year old daughter, I seen as possibility. So what that the house had no windows, missing floors and the roof was falling in.... What can I say besides, old memories die hard but it sure made me laugh!

So, back to the hurry up and wait game! The holding bank hasn't called back with the dates it was winterized and our bank hasn't called back with the go ahead yet. All I can say is after three days of not really wanting to turn the whole project over to God... For fear that he might tell me no - sound familiar? I did in fact tell him it was over my head and I was leaving it up to him once more.

I suppose there is a lot of peace in this as I now have someone new to blame if the follies of the Big House on the Hill turns into yet another of my personal disasters in this journey we call life. Let me state however, even the disasters have not been without purpose!

I'm still visualizing but realistically this time. And when it happens I will know that I know, just as I thought that I knew to begin with!

Let me surmise the day this way: In process.... And attempting to trust it as I go! But loving life regardless! After all, sometimes it's fun to laugh at our past experiences!

Wishing Love and Laughter to all!

Just a FYI and seemingly appropriate to the message on waiting in todays blog -

My book "A LOVE BEYOND TIME" published by Publish America, by little old me - Sherry Lipari, is now past the lay out stage. We should only be a matter of a couple months if that away from it being available for sale or at least available to order at book stores and on line!!!! I'm so excited!
Just wanted to share the big news! And one more thing... I will be sharing about the book and a few scenes when we get closer to the big release! I hope everyone who reads it enjoys it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Bye for now!